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NF rapt over zelfdoding van zijn moeder

23 januari 2023 · Leestijd 5 min

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Op 19e-jarige leeftijd beleeft de dan nog onbekende artiest een werkelijke horror, hij verliest zijn moeder aan zelfdoding. Zeven jaar later deelt hij deze traumatische ervaring met zijn fans in het nummer ‘How Could You Leave Us’.

Denk je aan zelfdoding of maak je je zorgen om iemand? Praten over zelfdoding helpt en kan anoniem via www.113.nl of telefonisch op 113 of 0800-113.

In 2009 overleed de moeder van de toen nog onbekende rapper. Nate Fuerstein (artiestennaam NF) bracht op zijn album genaamd ‘Therapy Session’ het extreem kwetsbare nummer over zijn moeder uit.

Therapie

‘’Dit nummer was vooral emotioneel uitputtend. Aan het einde van de studiosessie heb ik mijn producer gevraagd de ruimte te verlaten, want ik voelde me oncomfortabel op het moment. Toen hij weg was heb ik vijf minuten huilend gepraat tegen de microfoon.

De Amerikaanse rapper kan zich in de studio volledig uiten en ziet zijn muziek als een soort therapie.

‘’Vervolgens luisterde ik terug wat ik had opgenomen, en ik hoorde mij dingen zeggen waarvan ik nog niet wist dat ik ze voelde’’, aldus NF tegen Kiss FM.

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Songtekst 'How could you leave us'

How could you leave so unexpected?
We waited, we waited
For you, but you just left us
We needed you, I needed you

Yo, I don't know what it's like to be addicted to pills
But I do know what it's like to be a witness, it kills
Mama told me she loved me, I'm thinkin' this isn't real
I think of you when I get a whiff of that cigarette smell, yeah
Welcome to the bottom of hell
They say pain is a prison, let me out of my cell
You say you proud of me, but you don't know me that well
Sit in my room, tears runnin' down my face and I yell
Into my pillowcases, say you comin' to get us
Then call a minute later just to tell us you're not, I'm humiliated
I'm in a room with a parent that I don't barely know
Some lady in the corner watchin' us while she's takin' notes
I don't get it, Mom, don't you want to watch your babies grow?
I guess pills are more important, all you have to say is "no"
But you won't do it, will you? You gon' keep poppin' 'til them pills kill you
I know you're gone, but I can still feel you

Why would you leave us? Why would you leave us?
How could you leave us here?
How could you leave us? Why would you leave us? Oh
Hey

I got this picture in my room and it kills me
But I don't need a picture of my mom, I need the real thing
Now a relationship is somethin' we won't ever have
But why do I feel like I lost somethin' that I never had?
You shoulda been there when I graduated
Told me you loved me and congratulations
Instead you left us at the window waitin'

Where you at mom?
We're too young to understand, where you at, huh?
Yeah, I know them drugs have got you held captive
I can see it in your eyes, they got your mind captured
Some say it's fun to get the high, but I am not laughin'
And what you don't realize and what you're not graspin'
That I was nothin' but a kid who couldn't understand it
I ain't gon' say that I forgive you 'cause it hasn't happened
I thought that maybe I'd feel better as time passes
If you really cared for me, then where you at then?

Why would you leave us? Why would you leave us?
How could you leave us here?
How could you leave us? Why would you leave us? Oh
Hey

Our last conversation, you and I sat in the livin' room
Talkin' 'bout my music and I brought you some to listen to
You started cryin', tellin' me this isn't you
A couple weeks later, guess you were singin' a different tune
You took them pills for the last time, didn't you?
They took you from us once, I guess they came back to finish you
Cryin' my eyes out in the studio is difficult
Music is the only place that I can go to speak to you
It took everything inside of me, not to scream at your funeral
Sittin' in my chair, that person talkin' was pitiful
I wish you were here, mama, but every time I picture you
All I feel is pain, I hate the way I remember you
They found you on the floor, I could tell you felt hollow
Gave everything you had, plus your life to them pill bottles
You gave everything you had, plus your life to them pill bottles
Don't know if you hear me or not, but if you're still watchin', why?

Why would you leave us? Why would you leave us?
How could you leave us here?
How could you leave us? Why would you leave us? Oh
Hey

Sometimes I think about like...
Sometimes I think about things like, you know
When I'd have kids, I'm like...
You won't be there, you know?
You won't be there for any of that
And I'll never get to see you again
Sometimes I wish I would've just called you
I wish I would have just picked up the phone
I wish you were here
I mean you should've been there for us
You should have been here!
Them pills got you, right?!
Them pills got you, right?!
I wish you were here

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